“Mitch…what are you doing? Call the cops! Quick!!…” his friend shouted. There was a crowd gathered where the accident took place. Everyone was in panic…her body was lying flat down on the hard surface of the ground, head tilted to the side and she was moaning in pain. Her fingers moved slowly as if hoping for someone to grab hold of her…but before anyone could go forward to do that, she was already lying on the ground, lifeless…
I jerked out of my bed breathlessly. For a moment I felt like I was brought back to the nightmare that occurred before me five years ago. My mind went blank and my body trembled in fear. “It’s not my fault…no…it’s not my fault…”I whispered to myself softly. However, as the fear continued to engulf both my mind and body, I decided to get out of my bed and took my medication.
After what happened five years ago, despite of all the therapy that I had received from my psychiatrist, I could not stop blaming myself for what had happened.
In my living room, I began to reminisce the event that led to the terrible incident which cost the life of Rachel Dunham….
It was the beginning of the new semester once again, with heavy steps; I stepped out of my house and dragged my feet to school. The moment I was about to arrive at the big gate, I quickly put off the light of my cigarette, before I was caught for smoking again, kicked it to the side of the pavement and walked inside innocently.
I was in a daze when a girl accidentally bumped into me, bringing me back to life. “Oh sorry.” She said apologetically. “No problem.” I said with a smile. That was the first time I met up with Rachel. However, since I was clueless about whom she was at the moment, immediately, after she walked past me, I forgotten about her almost immediately.
Later then I found out that she had actually been in my class for the whole of last year, just that, maybe, due to her quiet personalities, she was often unnoticed. At least by me, and somehow, I don’t know why, ever since that day we bumped to each other, I began to notice her. Perhaps is because I had never observe her before, thus her sudden appearance seems to be a brand new thing to me. Although there is nothing special in particular about how I feel every time I looked at her.
However, little that I know, she had actually fall for me. I don’t know what I do that made her to notice me, but her liking for me, and the looked in her eyes eventually made me feel like I am at the top of the world. At first, it was a normal syndrome of happiness, to know that someone appreciates and loves you. Unfortunately, as the time passes, I began to take advantage of her. There’s nothing I want to do to make her feel special in my eyes as she had done for me, but I insist of wanting her to like me and to think that I am great in her eyes.
I began to act selfishly towards her and don’t even give a damn, about how she felt every time I disappoint her with my harsh words or my irritating actions. I gave her false hope that I liked her too as much as she likes me. But it was wrong, and it hurts her even more, especially when I revealed the truth that I don’t like her, the day she made her hard attempts to confess her feelings to me.
At the though of this, I closed my eyes and brushed it off. “It’s over…it was an accident, it was the driver’s fault, not me.” I defended myself stubbornly, each time I was reminded of my own selfish mistakes. However, feelings are stronger than words. The day the news of her death arrived at my ears, I was dumbstruck. Guilty feelings started to tie itself around me; and there is something… something in me that feels not right. Something that made me unable to describe what actually am I feeling. No matter how I tried to figure it out, or even make a wild guess about it, it just don’t fit at all. I know it’s more than just a guilty feeling or loneliness and sympathy. It was something deeper than that…something that made me go crazy and extremely down every time I think about it. “What is it? God…please tell me.” I prayed desperately.
In order to get myself out of the misery, I decided to drive around the area.
I was driving aimlessly when I came to the school, where it all happened. I have no idea why it leads me there, but all I know the moment I arrived at the school compartment, a sudden rush of memories of the past began to envelope me; and I realized how I miss her presence.
I stayed there for a couple of minutes before finally deciding to head back to the other side of the road. As I drove along the long road, my mind raced back to the time when she confessed her feelings to me. The few hours before her life ended, and for the first time in five years of pretending to be strong, tears began to swell in the corner of my eyes.
After driving around for a few hours, circling the same areas over and over again, at last I decided to get out of my car and smoke a puff.
As I watch the smoke fly in all direction, according to the direction of the wind, I began to ask God all sorts of questions. “Why was it not me God…I bet she hates me like a poison now.” And all sorts of open ended questions which only He could answer.
“Well, God, You know, if she wants me to die. Gladly take my life.” I said weakly to myself as I drove back home. Immediately, my wish was granted, as I was in my own bemused state of mind, I did not realize that I was driving in the wrong side of the lane; and the moment I realized, it was too late, a speeding truck was coming its way towards me, sounding his horn like crazy for me to get off the way. And before I could even try to swerve, my car was already crashed and skidded to the side of the road.
I opened my eyes slowly, and to my surprise, I could not feel the pain at all. “That’s strange…I was badly injured.” I thought to myself and look around my body which was healthy as ever. Not a single scar was printed on my skin. I jerked up and looked around me. It was filled with flowers; gold flowers and surrounding me was golden yellow in color. I don’t remember I’ve been here before. I thought to myself. “Where is this place?” I asked myself.
I walked the endless clouds that served as my ground and I feel my body so light. I was beginning to feel scared of where I’m going to when suddenly a creature, came to view. The creature was facing its back on me. It was dress in golden-white long dress and shining very brightly. “Excuse me” I asked with a tremble in my voice “may I know where I am?”
The creature remained immobile and replied gently “Heaven. You are in heaven, Mitch.”
I was startled “How did this creature know my name?” I thought to myself. “Who are you?” I finally asked after a moments thought.
Slowly, the creature moved, and turning its head, it asked “Don’t you remember me anymore?”
Instantly I was stunned. Standing before me was Rachel. The girl whom I feared the most and don’t wish to see, for I know she will make her revenge on me. Then as if sensing what I am feeling, she said “Don’t be afraid. I have no begrudged against you. It was forbidden in heaven.”
Immediately, I was limped to the soft ground underneath me. “Am I dead?” I asked in between tears. “Rachel, am I dead?” She looked at me with compassionate eyes and said “No…not yet. You are just unconscious, and they are trying to rescue you…in that emergency room.” “How did you know?” I snapped.
She turned her head to the left; I followed the direction of her eyes and still could not figure it out. For me it was just golden clouds floating around. “Do you see that? They are operating you. See properly.”
I step forward and found myself able to see what is going on below. The doctors as well as the nurses are trying their best to wake me up with defibrillator.
“Am I going to die?” I asked but Rachel was silent. And without me knowing why, suddenly, I was emotional. I began to get angry and shouted at her. As if blaming her for my death and in the same time trying to defend myself for what I’ve done to her; as the memories and guilty feeling comes back to me. “You….you want to die…You brought me here on purpose. You….You killed me.” I accused her mercilessly. Although deep inside of me I know I should not say that and hurt her even in heaven.
However, despite of my attempt to hurt her, Rachel stayed mute. Instead she just looked at me sympathetically.
" Gosh...no…don’t look at me that way…Not again…You’ve done enough for me…I don’t deserve your pity.” I thought to myself. That was actually how I felt within me upon seeing her… instead of being an unreasonable bastard yet again. But my surface contradicts with my feelings as always.
" You never change, Mitch.” She said sadly. “Even after a long partition, you never change. You disappoint me yet again. Why can’t you be just who you are? What you feeling?” she asked as if knowing my heart.
I looked at her, awkward of what to do. “Sorry!!! Said sorry Mitch” I thought to myself but I found it hard to blurt it out. However, this time, unlike the usual self of my stubborn being and running away from what I feared, I broke down to tears, that I had kept within me all these years and in kneeling position, I blurted out the words I’ve been keeping for this moment. “Sorry…Sorry…Rachel…I’m sorry for being a jerk. I don’t mean it…I really don’t. I… never thought such a thing will happen to you and so I took advantage of you. I acted like a bastard and hurt your feelings. I behaved selfishly and caused you so much misery…which caused you to lose your precious life…I…I am sorry for being the pain in your life; even in the last moments of your life...I was unable to show you the real me. I…I really regret all the things I’ve done…and when you were gone, I felt so guilty...I realized how much I need you and…I miss you.” I said continuously, pouring out all the things I had felt inside.
I paused for a moment to take a breath; and I felt her hands on my shoulder. “Thank you… it was beautiful. There’s no need for you to say anything anymore…it’s finish.”
“Finish?” I asked puzzled. “What do you mean finish?”
“You know Mitch; this is just outside the gate of the Kingdom of heaven. There’s still a few more steps I need to take before I really proceeds into His house.”
“Why?” I asked clueless.
“Because, I still have an unfinished business with you. Without clearing all the sadness and doubts that I felt within me, I cannot enter the gate.”
“But I thought you hold no begrudged against me?”
“Well, that’s not enough…” she laughed. “I may not be angry with you. But…not being able to hear what I want to hear out of you made me unable to go to heaven.
“Why?”
“Because God did not want me to be sad in there. He wants me to make sure that my soul went in peace, and not with troubled heart. And because I was still wondering about you, and waiting for you, to hear what you have to say to me, He did not want to force me to get in there and forget it all. He wants me to forget it myself. And today, since you have said it all and I have heard it, my heart is contented. I know you are sorry for what you’ve done and I know that you are not as bad as what you are acting back then.” She grinned, making me feel embarrassed for all the stupid things that I’ve done. “And most importantly, to be able to see who you are really is. Your sorry and your real personalities is what I have been waiting for and when all these are done, its time for me to go.” She said sadly. Then, as she finishes her words, I could see the big golden gate open behind her. “Thank you Mitch, I will never forget you. Till we meet again.” As she spoke, there was quiver in her tone, but there are no tears in her eyes. “There are no more tears in heaven.” She answered as I was still wondering the answer. “Stop blaming your self any longer, it’s not your fault. Don’t let your mind plays tricks on you. And one more thing, stop smoking Mitch, it cuts down your life faster than you think.” She reminded with a wink. After that, I could see Rachel walking into the kingdom of heaven escorted by an angel and her face was sparkling brightly. There’s no more sadness or anything that is holding her. I was so touched that my vision was blurred by my own tears.
Before I could dry my tears, a gush of gentle breeze pulled me down, giving me back my gravity bit by bit. “What is this?” I asked myself? “Am I backing to life again?” and this time, from a distance, I could hear His gentle and warm voice saying “Yes. For it is not yet your time.”
* * *
I woke up in the middle of the night, and I realized that ever since I was discharged from the hospital, I had not been smoking even a puff. The nightmare that was haunting me was no longer there either. I was glad about my meeting up with Rachel and though I could not explain what actually it was all about, but I decided to believe that I did went to heaven and said what I have to say. Unfortunately, there are three words I forgotten to say to her, but I don’t want to bother God to send me back there again, since it was not my time yet and I was thankful enough to be allowed to have the chance to go up there the other day; and discovered for myself what is that feeling that is lacking in me no matter how hard I figured it out. It was the feeling of love that I have been denying all along. Thus, the moment I met her up there, I began to realize how strong I felt for her especially after I missed her and this power of love, enabled me to speak out all the words and feelings I kept inside.
Therefore, I know she will be able to hear it and feel it from above; because sometimes even here on earth, I could imagine her, with a smile on her face saying “I love you too, Mitch.”
