Facing Me

November!!!!
How fast another year will pass. I wonder what will I give to everyone this Christmas.
The Body Shop has been very enthusiastic in welcoming the festive seasons that they had already decorated their store in a very Christmas Like atmosphere. Which is amazing :)


I can't wait for December! hmm hmmm...

Oh btw, just an update on my working status.
LOL! I love my job! I love the environment! I love the food I can buy there! and I love the fact that at the moment I am writing for God!

However, I also realized and being smacked down to reality that LOL...to be God's writer is so very truly not easy. I am struggling to write an article about our stewardship of the gospel and I found myself writing in a round, writing in disparation, and experiencing what every writer must have been experiencing. The taboo thing that every writer love to avoid...MENTAL BLOCK! (KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!)
I dislike this mental block shit because it is the thing that makes me nervous. Makes me unorganized.

Also, the pressure to submit on time....I mean, I know I have to submit on time. Like...that is common sense. But I dislike it when I cannot control myself over it.

So...learning to control it. Learning to write well. Learning to accept feedbacks.

Huff...that feels so good. sometimes I need to reload. and as a matter of fact, for the past few days as I struggled to write my article, I found myself beginning to feel uneasy. I began to feel confused and stupid... which is silly and for a moment, I feel like escaping. But now that I reload all these....I mean... hey...I dont actually wanna give it up so easily didnt I?

This is only the beginning. It is the start of my journey as a writer of God.
Now I know! I should have not focused on writing for men, but for God. What God wants me to share to the readers? I mean.. as a writer of God, didnt I not suppose to know what God feels that pen down His HEART'S PASSION into my article?

Yes! Really! Now I get it! Now I understand it why I feel so burdened. Because as I write, (confession time) I am focusing myself into it. Not God. I am self-centred and Godly disconnected. (WOW!)

Okay! now I got it! see I knew it I got a problem. I got a serious problem with my heart and my attitude. and I have been digging inside me to find what is it that is causing me to feel so not at ease, but I just could not figure out what. I thought I was lack of praying! I thought I was not surrendering to God enough. I though...I was over excited.

But the truth is...I am being self-reliant. I am the sailor for myself. I am not being a good steward because I am being the controller over myself!

WHAT A WIMP! how dreadful!

Okay, I know now what is my problem. I am being a narcisstic bitch. My human nature of wanting to be the centre of the attention is lurking out of me and dang it! I am being a show off without me realizing it! no wonder I can't write!

Great! Great now that I can acknowledge it, I want to thank God for this.
I want to thank God for letting me come face to face with my own problem. I am facing with my guilt now and I feel so stupid. Haiz....Yuliana Yuliana...

Now I feel so good!
Thank God!
I feel good!

~


Me :C