Fade Away

Prologue
I chased the small figure in front of me with furious eyes. Hands tightly gripping the knife I’m holding.
“You will never get out of here alive” I heard myself screaming at her.

As she ran in panic, she no longer looked as beautiful as she always does. Her brown hair swayed messily as her head turned to look at me as she continued running for her life. Eyes bewildered and terrified, with beads of sweat running down her forehead.
Or rather, I had never considered her beautiful before, but because he thought she was amazing, that as the time flies, I began to tolerate her. That fool; if only he didn’t make himself fell so desperately for her, he would not have make himself looked so miserable and pathetic.

As the chased continue, I began to swing the knife wildly in the air, towards her direction, hoping that it would lend on her slender back.
She was running across the road, screaming for help and did not notice a speeding car that was racing its way towards her. I was waiting to see a good show of death, when he jumped into the scene and pushed her off the road to the pavement.
It must have been his love for her that caused him to do such a heroic act upon seeing the troubled looked in her face or the dangerous situation she was in. A feeling only he could understand more than anyone else.

A loud bang was heard as the car hit him, sending him flying a few meters before landing on the hard asphalt. He was lying in a pool of blood, and was in between the unconsciousness, when I heard her voice so close to my ears, which is also his ears, as she called out for his name.

Chapter 1

“Damien Copeland, how are you feeling today?’ a lady in white asked me gently as she saw me staring at the ceiling blankly. I turned to look at her with dreamy eyes and nodded.
She was doing something with the medical equipment, when I turned my attention to her and asked with a low rather raspy voice I don’t remember belonged to me ‘How did you know my name?’
The round face nurse looked at me through her glasses and said ‘From the registration form of course, besides, your name is written there on the board.’ She said pointing at the name tag hanged on top of the hospital bed.
After that she began to explain a long story of how I get into the hospital ‘Due to an accident’. As she talked, I nodded in silence, not knowing the real reason why I nod. Perhaps for the sake of nodding in agreement, since I was never really sure if she was neither telling the truth about what happened nor my identity.

‘Anyway’ she said at last, after a long explanation ‘you should try to express how you feel using those papers and crayons if you ever felt lost or insecure; so that we know what you have been through and helped you out of your problem. Rather than suffering in silence right?’ she asked smiling down on me.
‘Do you think it will help?’ I asked almost in a whisper
‘Somehow, it does. We still need to see how your brain is progressing, after such a long period of coma. It takes some time; just take it slow, okay. Do it one thing at a time.’
‘What if it never recovers?’ I asked as she was about to leave the room. ‘What if I never remember about my past?’
She turned to look at me. Shrugged and said ‘Somehow, when there is a will there’s a way right. So try to do something.’ She said nodding towards the papers and crayons that was left for me. ‘With that’

When I was left alone, I stared at the stack of papers before me. I don’t know how long has I’ve been here, or how long had I been abandoning the presence of those papers. Perhaps it had been quite some time until all the nurses are sick of reminding me again and again to do something, or find me staring at the ceiling doing nothing. I heard it was part of the therapy, but what is therapy? And how sure are they that this therapy will work?

However, her words seem to make sense to me. Thus, I decided that It was time for me to find out about who really was.
Slowly, I pushed my wheel chair forward to the bedside table, where they had left the papers and crayons. I reached out my hand for the paper and after staring at the crayons for some time, I decided to choose the black color pencil to start my assignment.

I was about to draw out how I feel for the day, when, a flash of blurry memories sped past me like a lightning; causing me to wince in pain. Immediately, I placed my sweaty palm on my forehead as the pain continues to haunt me; as it gave out hints of something in the past.
‘Who’s that? ‘I called out to myself as blurry images of some people appeared in my mind. ‘What was that?’ I wondered in pain as the brain gave out a white noise sound that kept on playing in my ears.


Chapter 2

Damien. Damien. Damien.
I woke up to the sound of someone calling my name.
The voice that called upon me, sounds so sweet and familiar, yet, it seemed so far that I could hardly figured out whose voice it belonged to.
I looked at the clock on the table alongside the papers and crayons and realized I had been in a black out for the past one hour. Since my head gave a tingling cry as the memories flashed back in my mind.

In my wheel chair, I stretched myself to relax the tense muscle, and breathe in as many air as possible. Giving back the composure to my heart beat that had beat in a ridiculous rate.
After a moment of silence, then I began to continue the unfinished assignment that I was supposed to do.

Chapter 3

Four years ago

‘Damien, what are you doing? Are you drawing?’ she asked cheerfully, and peered over his shoulder to get a glance of what he was doing.
Immediately, Damien put his five fingers flat on the surface of the paper he was scribbling, and turned over his shoulder to face her ‘No, I wasn’t’ he replied smiling.
‘Then what? Writing love letter?’ she asked skipping around him to take a peep of the paper he was holding with secret. ‘For who?’ she asked laughing.
Damien rolled his eyes and admitted that he was actually writing a new lyrics for their new album. ‘And you are not supposed to see it until I have finish.’ He warned.
‘Okay. Okay. I got it, Mr. Musician.’ She said nodding and walked towards the piano at the corner of the room. ‘Anyway, I’ve heard how the music is going to be from Noah.’ She said sticking out her tongue to him. ‘So there’s no point of you being so secretive.’
‘Do you like it?’
‘What?’ she asked looking at him as she leaned on the top of the grand piano
‘The music, do you like it?’
‘Not bad. So you better do a good job for the lyrics to make it even better. And don’t disappoint them.’ She said with her fingers pressing playfully on the piano keys.
‘No worries, they know my style.’ Damien said defensively
‘Not them, ‘them’’ she said referring to his fans rather than his band mates. ‘They know your style? Ha-ha I bet’ she said laughing and began to the tune of ‘Finding Paradise’ by David Lanz.
As the gentle tune of the piano played along, Damien stared at the girl sitting before it. He ran his eyes past her face that behold exotic features of dark brown bambi-shaped eyes and chiseled nose; to her cherry lip that curved to a smile as she ran her fingers from one key to another.
Damien loved the way she curved her lips from a gentle smile to a loud laughter. In fact, he seemed to love everything about her. Her petite size, her smooth mocha skin, her copper brown hair that falls neatly on her shoulder, and most of all her passion for music and lyrics. Especially when she could understand his lyrics, more than any girls he had ever dated.

Damien was so carried away by the music that for a moment he forgotten to continue writing his own lyrics.
Suddenly, an unpleasant sound followed by Gabrielle’s voice made him jumped and back to reality, as she had accidentally pressed the wrong keys. ‘Ah shit, I forget.’ She shouted with a laugh. Embarrassed by her own stupid mistake. ‘What is it after this key?’ she asked from the corner of the room as Damien laughed at her.
‘Think.’ He said still laughing. ‘And stop guessing. You are spoiling my ears.’
‘I forget.’ She insisted ‘is it this. No. Wait. I don’t know’ she said exasperatedly after trying a few more keys.
‘Learn the song by heart c’mon.’ Damien said walking towards her ‘ And leaned it well, I taught you so many times already, Noah taught you too.’
‘I did okay’ Gabrielle said defending herself. ‘Just that, I think there is something wrong with your piano that’s why.’ She said and pressed her fingers so hard that the piano gave an unpleasant cry.
‘There’s nothing wrong with my piano okay, you are the problem. And don’t treat my piano so roughly.’ Damien said chasing her out of his piano.
‘Whatever. I never did any mistakes whenever I used Noah’s piano, you know why?’ she asked
Damien looked at her and nod towards her to continue ‘Why?’
‘His piano is good.’ Gabrielle said laughing and reaching for the door getting ready to get out.
‘Hah, you are a pain you know that, go away, and don’t disturb me when I’m working’ Damien said jokingly as he chased the girl out of his room.
‘See you later than, good luck with the lyrics. If you need any help with the words ask me’ she said before leaving his studio.

Chapter 4

‘Damien, is that all that you can draw out?’ The doctor asked.
It had been three weeks since the last time I decided to draw out my feelings one at a time, and it had been almost eight months since the last time i woke up. But still all my drawings were only drawn out in black and not any other colors.
In fact, I was not drawing anything at all. I was just scribbling everything on the paper. Or sometimes it was simply a full coloring of black with nothing at all. As if my feelings were a piece of black hole.
I looked at the doctor and nodded weakly with a weak smile.
‘Doctor’ I said gently ‘I don’t know why, I don’t feel like using other colors other than black. It’s like; I don’t feel comfortable using yellow or green. Could it be, my past was so bad that nothing good seemed to appear every time I think about it? Or I simply, couldn’t remember any good memories at all?’ I asked looking at the doctor with blank eyes.
The doctor looked at me closely and said ‘Don’t you remember anything good at all?’
I shook my head dreamily.
The doctor heaved out a heavy sigh before replying ‘Maybe, you just have not been able to figure out any yet. But that does not mean you have to give up and think of the negative.’
‘No doctor, ‘ I said cutting him suddenly, ‘ I think is because I don’t feel like remembering one.’
‘Why’ the doctor looked at me puzzled.
‘Because I don’t know if I could ever get that great memories back ever again now. And I think there is someone I miss so much…but every time I think of her, she seems to be a piece of blurry memory which eventually, I don’t know why, will make me cry.’ I paused to take a breath ‘she seemed so far and unreachable that it made me sad and miserable every time I think of her. Do you think I should just let go off my past?’
My question caught the doctor off guard that he was out of words.

Chapter 5

‘What do you think of her Simon?’ Damien asked excitedly
‘What do you mean by that? Don’t tell me you are in love with that unattractive girl?’ Simon asked cynically
‘C’mon don’t say that.’ Damien snapped annoyed.
‘What do you see in her Damien?’
‘Everything’
‘What do you mean by everything? She is just normal Damien, she is so plain and well, not that up to standard.’
‘You have a very high expectation huh’ Damien said sarcastically
‘Look Damien, Lana or Stella is much better than her alright, they are tall and gorgeous, sexy and a head turned on everyone who sees them. But this, Gabrielle, she is so small in size, and not at all a turn on to anyone.’
‘Stop discriminating her in my presence. Besides, the one she sees is me, not you. You don’t need to commend so much on her.’ Damien said angrily this time. ‘And don’t be so crude in your words okay, even if you don’t like her. I do; so please respect that.’
‘Whatever, but, you know what, you are wrong when you said, she is not seeing me, I can just come by and see her too you know.’
‘Stop sprouting nonsense. You know she won’t. she could only see me. Perhaps, feel you, yes, but still, I’m the one she sees, not you. No one can see you.’
‘Except you.’ Simon said smiling.
‘Yeah, except me.’ Damien said to his empty apartment.

***


‘Damien how is the lyrics?’ Noah asked one day.
Silence.
‘Hey Damien, you there?’ Noah asked again tapping his friend on the shoulder.
‘What do you want from me?’ Damien asked angrily as he looked up at Noah, who was by now, surprised by Damien’s agitated reaction. “Are you okay?’ Noah asked sitting down beside him
‘Yeah, I think so’ Damien said with a forceful smile. ‘Of course I’m not you moron.’ Damien thought to himself.

Damien had been in a bad mood these few days, especially after Gabrielle told him that she had accepted Noah’s proposal to be his girlfriend. ‘What did she sees in him? Why can’t she sees that in me?’ he thought to himself angrily.
Here in their rehearsal room, Damien had been feeling sick upon seeing Noah approaching him, and had purposely ignored him when he asked him a question, however, despite of his anger, he felt there is nothing he could do to change the fact that they are together.
‘How are you doing with the lyrics?’ Noah’s voice gets him back to reality. ‘Do you need any help? Gabrielle was wondering if you are facing any problem, because she said you does not look fine this few days.’
Damien looked at Noah, speechless, he simply nod his head. ‘I’m fine, tell her I’m fine.’ He said after thinking of what to say.
‘Noah, when did you love her?’ Damien asked all of a sudden
‘What?’ Noah asked shocked by the sudden question. ‘Love? Gabrielle?’ he asked
Damien nodded without looking at him.
Noah cleared his throat, and as he told him when and how he fall for the same woman Damien was loving as well, he was actually not listening at all. Somehow, some part of him wished that it was not true. All that Noah was saying he wished was just an unpleasant joke that he created to amuse himself.
As he spoke, Damien felt his world spun around him, and as he felt himself almost close to tears, he quickly excused himself and left “Are you sure you okay?’ Noah asked from a distance as Damien ran ignoring him.

‘What are you doing?’ Simon asked looking at the pile of mess created by Damien
‘Drinking, can’t you see that?’ Damien asked as he rested his drunken head lazily on the back of his hand.
‘What’s wrong with you buddy? What’s with the sudden addiction for alcohol?’
‘I don’t know, stressed up perhaps’ Damien said dreamily ‘What do you think about me Simon? Am I stupid?’ he asked looking at the half emptied bottle of Corona. ‘Why am I so stupid to let this happen to me, to let her go for him? I mean, damn that Noah, he never mentioned anything about her, and why did he proposed to her all of a sudden?’ Damien asked loudly in his empty apartment
‘So, someone is heart-broken eh?’ Simon asked
‘Can you stop being so cynical to me when I’m already feeling so miserable? You idiot!’
‘Then do something.’ Simone suggested ‘Do something to get her back’
‘Like what?’ Grabbed her?’ Damien said with a cold laugh 'Like it will make a difference?'
‘Why not?’ Simon asked cheekily ‘Who knows you win?’
Damien looked at the empty seat beside him, and wonder, ‘Not so bad an idea isn’t it?’ he laughed and gulped down the remaining of the alcohol.
Just then, as his mind wondered off and thought of Gabrielle, he became aware of himself that he was thinking of something so unfair to her or to Noah, and Damien quickly shook the negative thought away from him.
‘I can’t. I can’t do that to them. They are my friend. She is the one I love, how could I do that to her?’ he said to himself as images of her filled his mind; and knowing that there is nothing he could do to get her by using any dirty method, tears began to swell in the corner of Damien’s puppy eyes, as he try to forget about his sorrowful love.

Chapter 6

‘You are a coward Damien’ Simon said the night after that.
‘Shut up, you don’t understand. You are not their friend, you don’t know, how hard it feels to do that to your own friends you moron.’ Damien scolded. ‘Besides, it was never my idea, it was yours.’
‘Freak, don’t accused me for being the only bad guy, you agree don’t you,’
‘ I didn’t’ Damien shouted angrily and threw his wine glass to the wall. ‘You are the one who make me want to do it. You know I can’t do that.’
‘You are pathetic that’s why. Why can’t you just tell her the truth?’
‘You think it’s gonna be that easy, especially when she is already head over heels in love with him?’ and what huh? You want me to hear her rejecting me? Then coming home drunk again, smashing all these glasses on you again?’ Damien shouted angrily to himself.
‘Stop acting like a fool Damien.’ Simon scolded ‘ You know you cannot take the pain that’s why you are behaving like this, and yet in front of her, you behaved as though you really want to see them together. Just what are you thinking?’
‘I don’t know what I’m thinking either Simon, its like, her absence, suddenly just left me out of my life. And I just can’t break the relationship they are having by getting in between them when they seemed so happy, or at least, she seemed so happy.’ Damien said as he rubbed his hand on the smooth surface of the wine bottle. ‘I just have to get her out of my head, and I just want to see her laugh. Her happiness means a lot to me.’
Simon looked at him with one kind and said ‘But are you sure you afford to see yourself so miserable?’
Damien was silent for a moment by his own question. He rocked back and forth is his seat thinking of what to do, before finally he answered ‘ I don’t know’ and closed his eyes to forget about his misery. ‘But, as long as she is happy, and I can still see that smile on her face, that’s enough for me, I think that’s’ gonna be enough to keep me alive.’
‘Why do you have so much humanity for her and so little for yourself?’ Simon asked picking up the pieces of broken glasses on the floor. ‘You know, sometimes, in order to get what we deserved it may not always go the soft ways, perhaps, sometimes we need to go with the harsh way.’
‘But Simon, perhaps, sometimes, those things, just don’t belonged to you. Even after going the hard ways.’ Damien said sadly. ‘Like Gabrielle, perhaps, I just don’t deserve to be with her, despite loving her as much. Or well, perhaps, it was my own fault to have slipped out the chance to confess before it was too late.’ Damien paused to take a breath and to hold back the tears.
‘No matter what, I think, I will never manage to win this war. Or rather, don’t intend to do anything to it either.’
Simon heaved out a sigh of exasperated sigh and said ‘Not even telling her how you feel?’ he asked
‘I don’t know, maybe somewhere in time, if I ever able to get hold of myself.’ Damien said smiling weakly. ‘Simon, do you mind to leave me alone?’ he asked in the silence of the thin air of his messy apartment.


Chapter 7

‘Because of you! You ruined me! I hate you!’
I wake up in sweat upon seeing the image of myself holding a sharp blade and pointing it at someone who seemed much weaker to be my opponent. ‘What was that? When was that?’
I thought to myself in fear. ‘Who was that I wanted to kill? Who ruined my life?’
I closed my eyes and think hard. As hard as I could as I forced myself to retrace back the memories I had left for so long.
As the bits and pieces of unclear information popped up little by little in my mind, I found myself gasping for air to fill my chocking lungs.
‘What happened? What happened that day?’ I thought to myself desperately.


***

‘I told you she is not a good thing’ Simon said ‘She’s just not as perfect as you think she is. I told you’
‘She’s not as bad as what you think she is either alright, you don’t interact with her, you don’t know, so stop being so prejudiced against her.’ Damien warned putting a finger in front of Simon’s face, before carrying on with his drinking. ‘She’s the best girl I ever know’ he said slurring in his words, after his sixth bottle of Corona.
‘Just what she did to you?’
Damien thought for a moment and shrugged ‘Everything a man could ever want perhaps. Attention, a good laugh after a hard day of stress, support and motivation when things seemed like a dead end. Everything’ Damien said shaking his drunken head slowly as Gabrielle’s images emerged in his mind. ‘And I really love the way she appreciate my lyrics more than anyone else. Not even you could appreciate my lyrics, remember’ and grinned sheepishly before gulping down the remaining yellow liquid into his already burning throat.
‘C’mon pal, everyone can do that. Your ex-girlfriends, they can understand your lyrics just as well okay, it’s a simple thing to do. You just have to listen, and then you rate if a lyric is good or not’ Simon said looking at the depressed Damien with one kind. ‘Besides, of course I understand your lyrics; I’m part of it too okay. You somehow put me into your lyrics as you made them’
Damien looked at him with his puppy dog eyes and smiled ‘Yeah, I forget you are part of me too.’ He said before turning himself mute.
‘You okay man?’ Simon asked giving him a light nudge on the arm.
Damien looked at the empty bottle and put his head in his hands.
‘C’mon man, stop crying. What’s wrong with you? ‘Simon asked looking at him concern.
‘I miss her’ Damien confessed. ‘Simon, I miss her so much. Everything about her seemed to replay in my mind like a movie and every time I think of her, it hurts so bad, I wish I could get her out of my mind. I wish every drink I took could erase her away from my mind, though, I know, I have no strength or courage to get rid of her out my mind either. I don’t know losing someone you love so much could hurt so bad Simon. I never thought I would feel so miserable. I never thought she meant so much to me.’ Damien said as he sobbed bitterly.
Simon looked at him with sympathetic eyes and put his hand on Damien’s shoulder gently.
‘Pull yourself together Damien, she may not be yours’ but there are still some other girls out there crazy for you. Besides, looked at what she did to you, ever since she is with Noah, she never really care about you anymore Damien, in the first place you are never in her heart. Don’t make yourself so miserable just because of her.’
Damien looked at himself and the mess in his living room, ‘I know, I know Simon, but I just need some time to get over this shit okay. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. I want to be Damien.’ He said to himself and fell into a deep sleep on the table in his living room.

Chapter 8

I rolled violently on the hospital bed as the blurry memories slowly became apparent in my mind. In the images of those memories I found myself screaming, shouting to myself, as if I was in dilemma of something, I could not quit figure it out what it was. Then, the next image showed a petite woman, a few meters away from me, looking so petrified with horror upon seeing the knife in my hand, as I approached her.
‘What am I trying to do to her?’ I thought to myself breathlessly
Damien. Damien. The sweet voice could be heard from distance. ‘No, its slightly different, it does not exactly as sweet as the one that kept playing in my head’
Damien Copeland…Damien…
‘Who is that? Why is she calling me with my full name?’
‘Who are you?’ I found myself screaming, but my mouth does not seem to project the sound of my screamed. ‘Is this a dream? What’s wrong with me?’ I thought to myself in pain as my brain gave a cry as it revealed more things in the past.
Suddenly, I could no longer feel the pain nor the voices that was rummaging about me, for a moment everything went dead and everything’s a black out.

I opened my eyes to the beeping sound of my own heart beat in the machine that was place next to me. ‘Where am I?’ I asked the nurse that happened to be checking on my condition.
‘We move you to the Intensive Care Unit.’ She said glancing at me before looking back at the machine. ‘You past out again.’ She explained.
I looked at the surrounding and was glad that I was still alive.
‘Don’t force yourself too hard. It may burst the blood clot that is clotting in your brain and caused you to be permanently paralyzed.’ She said touching me on the shoulder.
‘Nurse, do you know who sent me to the hospital the day I was knocked down in the accident?’ I asked before she left the room.
The nurse thought for a moment and said ‘A friend of yours. I can’t really remember the details, but there were several of them who came to pay you a visit after that, but after some time, they didn’t turned up anymore.’
‘Do you have any idea where can I find them then?’ I asked
‘I’m sorry, I’ m not really sure about this, but I think we could check that out from your registration form.’ She said smiling at me
‘And one more thing is there a girl, with brown hair and tanned skin, among those who visited me?’ I asked looking at her blankly.
‘Yes there is.’ She said nodding
‘Do you know what her name is?’
She looked at me for a moment before she shook her head and said ‘I’m sorry’ and turned to leave the room.

‘My friends’ I said to myself as I stared down at my own fingers ‘Then why didn’t you visit me all these while?’


Chapter 9

In the middle of the night, I found myself struggling to sleep as images of my past kept flashing in my brain. ‘I’m part of you….part of you…’
I woke up to the sound of my voice screaming.
‘Who is that? What I mean when I said I’m part of you? Who am I referring to?’ I wondered in the darkness of the room.
Feeling the uncomfortable sting in my abdomen, I called in the nurse to help me to go the washroom. Slowly, I climbed down from the hospital bed and settled on my wheel chair before finally, pushed myself slowly towards the restroom.
As I looked at my own reflection when I washed my hands, suddenly, I found myself fearing myself as I remember something that made me tremble in the past.
‘Welcome back Damien’ my reflection seemed to say to me as I closed my eyes and forget about it. ‘Who are you? Who are you?’ I shouted, which caused the nurse to barge into the room and helped me out of the bathroom.
‘I’m Simon, don’t you remember me?’ the voice said from the distance.
‘Shut up. Shut up, I don’t know you. Who is Simon, I’m Damien. Damien.’ I shouted as more nurses came to calm me down.
‘I’m Damien.’ I found myself shouting before I passed out for the third time.


‘Look at yourself Damien; you are damaging your voice. Stop drinking.’ Simon said taking his drinks away from him.
‘Don’t bother me, go away.’ Damien said pushing the bottle of beers to the floor of his own living room. ‘Don’t bother me’ he said to himself.
‘Stop making a fool of yourself. She is not the only living girl on earth for God’s sake. Wake up.’ Simon shouted in front of Damien’s face.
‘Stop lecturing me’ Damien shouted louder this time to shut his other self from talking. ‘This is my life. You are part of me, if I want to be like this, you have no choice. Just shut up and mind your own business.’ He shouted and continued to gulp down as much beer into his mouth as possible.
‘Are you sure you know what you are doing?’
‘Yes.’
‘No you don’t. In the first place, if you meant what you say about not deserving her; and just by looking at them happy together, it makes you happy, then you bloody damn well accept the fact that she's not yours and stop acting like a loser.’ Simon shouted angrily and put the empty bottles away into the rubbish bin.
‘I meant what I said. I meant it. I really do.’ Damien said sadly, ‘Just that, I thought I could get over her that easily. I thought I could put up with the pain. But I didn’t know the more I looked at it, the more I feel so enraged and useless. The more I realize I was wrong.’ He said putting his head on top of the rubbish cover.
‘C’mon don’t lay down there.’ Simon said disgusted by the way Damien lay so helplessly on the kitchen floor. ‘Get yourself up Damien. Stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Get over this will you.’ He said patting Damien on the shoulder.
‘I don’t know. ..I don’t know Simon’ Damien said weakly. ‘It hurts so much. So much.’ He said to himself as he got up slowly and staggered to the living room. I wish I could get her out of my head.’
‘Stop being so pathetic Damien’ Simon said as he saw Damien’s weak body lay down on the sofa.

Chapter 10

The next morning, Damien asked for his belonging the day he was sent to the hospital.
As the nurse gave them to him, he looked at it one by one.
His purse caught his attention. He took it and was surprised to find some photographs inside the wallet.
‘This girl’ he thought to himself as he saw his picture with Gabrielle.

‘Is this the girl?’ I asked the nurse as she wheeled me to the park for some fresh air.
She looked at it for a moment and said ‘Yes. Is she your girlfriend?’ She asked before realizing that she had asked the wrong question ‘I’m sorry’ she apologized.
I shook my head to tell her that it’s okay.
‘I don’t know, but is there a way I could contact her?’ I asked as I pushed in the picture back into the wallet. ‘Or any of these men’
She told me that she would help me check for it the moment we went back.

‘Here I found it.’ She said after searching for it for some time.
‘Thank you’ I told her and wheeled back into my room to make the call. ‘Noah’ I read the name written neatly in the registration form and decided to dial the number.
Unfortunately, I gave up after the third call and still no one picking up the phone.
‘Where did you go?’ I wondered as the hope of finding my past began to fade away.

That night, as I sat looking at Noah’s number as was deciding to call the number once again, another glimpse of my past sped past me like a lightning.
‘What is it? What is it now?’ thought to myself breathlessly.
Damien. Damien. The voice could be heard once again. ‘Who is that calling me’ I wondered as I try to figure out the small figure that appeared blurry in my mind.
In my mind, the figure seems to dance around from one place to another, laughing and talking to someone I could not figure out. ‘Who are you talking to?’ I thought with my palm still pressed closely to my forehead.
‘Damien…can you read this for me?...What do you think?’ Her words seemed to spin in my head.
‘Damien…what are you doing? Damien what do you think of this? Damien. Damien.’
The voice continues to play in my mind as I tried to figure out whose voice it belonged to.
‘Who is that? Who are you?’ I questioned as the image and the voice became more apparent in my mind.
‘Gabrielle’ I breathed out finally after the image began to show her face so clearly now.
‘Gabrielle. Gabrielle’ I mouthed her name several time, as I felt so glad that I had finally able to remember a glimpse of my past. And as memories of her began to flood one by one in my head I began to remember the love I felt for her, the wonderful feeling I felt as I looked at her as she stood beside me, or when she talked to me.
‘I love you. Even after all that had happened I still love you.’ I said to myself and began to feel the joyful tears falling down my face as I remember about her

Chapter 11

‘I will kill her. I will kill her on your behalf.’ Simon said as he chased Gabrielle along the dark corridor.
‘Stop it Simon. She is innocent.’ Damien pleaded as he tried to stop his hand from swinging the knife so wildly.
‘Shut up Damien, you are useless. Don’t you understand, because of her you ruined your health, because of her you act like a loser. This is all because you love her.’ Simon said as he began swinging the knife in the air, hoping to get Gabrielle’s back slash.
‘Don’t you hurt her, Simon!’ Damien shouted as he punched himself to get himself out of his other personality. Unfortunately, he was too weak to fight back the rage in Simon’s self that had caused him to have full control of his body.
Immediately, Damien had turned himself to Simon his mad personality who from the start had hate Gabrielle.
‘Come out you bitch! Where are you? You are not going to get out of here alive!’ he shouted angrily. ‘Because of you! You ruined me! I hate you! Because of you, I fall so desperately.’ Damien found himself shouting angrily to the empty room of the basement as he searched for Gabrielle.
Suddenly, a loud bang of metals clash could be heard. Immediately, Damien turned towards where the sound came from to find Gabrielle, who had tripped on the metal and fell on the ground.
‘What happened to you? What do you want from me?’ she asked sobbing ‘Why are you doing this to me?’
Damien looked at her with hatred eyes ‘You want to know why, do you really want to know why?’ he asked without taking his eyes off her. ‘Because you made me love you. You made me love you so much that I found myself so crazy over you, that I could not control myself but to think of you. But you choose Noah to me, because he confessed faster than I do.’ Damien said with the knife pointed directly at her. ‘Why Gabrielle? Why couldn’t it be me that you love?’ he asked
‘I never know you love me, besides, I never love you. All these while, I only considered you as my friend. I never love you Damien. ‘She said looking at the knife.
‘Then why do you need to be so close to me and gave me those wrong signals?’ he asked angrily as he raised the knife high in the air and ready to stab it in her heart. ‘Get away from me, get away from me.’ He shouted and brought the knife forward.
Just then, his sanity grabbed hold of him.
Gabrielle opened her eyes and was shocked to find the blade before her eyes, ‘Damien, don’t do this’ She said crying ‘Dont do this please?’ she asked ‘If you love me you shouldn’t do this to me right?’ she said looking at the knife as it slowly being pulled away from her.
‘I don’t know, I don’t know.’ Damien cried dropping the knife on the floor. ‘It wasn’t me, I have no intention to hurt you, or Noah, it was him.’ he said sobbing and buried his face in his hands.
‘Who?’
‘Simon. Simon did all these. It wasn’t me.’
Gabrielle looked at him confused of what to say ‘Who is Simon?’ she asked after much hesitation.
‘Run, run Gabrielle, just run, get away from here before he get you. Run’ Damien said pushing her away.
‘But what about you, who is Simon, why didn’t you run with me?’ Gabrielle asked pulling his hand
‘Just run, Gabrielle just run.’ Damien said before he turned back to get the knife
‘I will kill you!’ Simon said as he began to chase Gabrielle again

Gabrielle was running across the road when a speeding car came towards her.
Just then, Damien came to his senses upon seeing the danger that may attack her, as he jumped into the dangerous situation to save the love of his life.

Chapter 12

The screeching sound of the speeding car that came towards me jerked me out of my memory as I began to remember them clearer each day.
‘Simon, it was Simon who wanted to kill her, and I have not explain to her and told her how sorry I had been all these while for causing her to have so much fear.’ I thought to myself as I trembled in fear upon seeing myself wanting to kill the woman I love so much.
‘I have to call her. I have to tell her everything, even if it means she will get freak out by me.’ I told myself as I searched for her number in my wallet.
‘Noah’ I remembered suddenly.
Noah must have her number.’ I assured myself as I tried to dial his number again.
Still no answer, ‘C’mon, c’mon pick up the phone, Noah where are you’ I thought to myself panic.
Finally I decided to ask the nurse again for Gabrielle’s number ‘I really need to talk to her.’ I told them as they seemed reluctant to search the number for me.
The moment they managed to find the number, I quickly wheeled back to my room to make the call. How I wish with all my might that the accident had not made me to lose my ability to walk. ‘Guess it was the punishment I get for trying to kill someone’ I thought to myself.

I was glad when she picked up the phone after the fifth rang
‘Gabrielle it’s me, Damien, you remember?’ I asked feeling palpably nervous talking to her after long years of separation.
There was a pause on the other line.
‘Gabrielle, are you there?’ I asked ‘C’mon say something, I know I’m wrong I’m sorrysay something’ I hoped with all my heart.
Suddenly, a sob could be heard as she cleared her throat to speak up.
‘Damien’ she said in a raspy whisper ‘is that really you?’
‘Yes, it’s me’ I said almost in tears myself.
‘Where are you?’ she asked sniffing.
I told her where I was and everything that I need to told her. She remained quiet throughout the whole conversations.
‘I’m sorry’ I said apologetically ‘I’m really sorry about what I’ve done. I’m sorry I never told you properly how much I love you; even it meant you have to reject me. I’m sorry for taking the harsh way. I’m sorry for making you so scared and not to let you know that I was kind of disturbed actually.’ I admitted.
Again the awkward silence taking its place back between us.
‘Don’t say that Damien, I’m glad you are alive.’ She said still in her raspy voice. ‘I’m sorry, for not able to feel how you feel towards me. Perhaps, because I was too head over heels with Noah.’ She said chuckling a little.
How I miss those chuckles.
‘How are you and Noah by the way?’ I asked no longer feeling the slightest burden upon bringing up the question.
‘We are fine. So far so great.’ She announced proudly. I could almost imagine a smile on her beautiful lip.
‘It’s so nice to hear that. I miss you. All of you.’ I told her as we almost ended the conversation.
‘We miss you too Damien. When can we meet up?’ she asked ‘Can I visit you in the hospital?’
I agreed and suggested that she came along with the others.
‘Too bad Damien, they are on tour. Remember, you guys are singers?’ she asked ‘They are promoting the album, and you know what, the lyrics you wrote the other day, had been in the top chart for almost a year.’ She said
‘Really, that’s good.’ I said as I remembered the hard works I put in into making it.
‘I’m proud of you Damien. You are our mastermind.’

Chapter 13

As I sat looking at the clear blue sky above me, I felt so glad that I was alive. In fact, I was so glad that I was able to regain almost eighty percent of my memories that had been a blur for some time. The joy I felt upon hearing my own voice being recorded, the delight I felt upon hearing the crowds sand along with us as we performed for them Live. The fun I felt with my teammates, as we create and record songs, the love I felt for the past girls, before finally realizing the real meaning of true love when I met Gabrielle and how it hurt so badly when she left my side for Noah. All these made me alive, as it moulds me into a better person each day as I carry on with my life.
But most of all, I was more overjoyed to have finally got over Simon in my life. He had been the lunatic side of me whom I used as my way of motivating myself when stress clouded my brain. He was the one I used to help myself as I think of inspiration to write lyrics or thinking of ways to get rid of those gossips that were false against me. However, as time passes by, I began to depend on him to talk to me whenever I’m feeling down when I know I should have let him go long ago and depend myself on prayers rather than carrying the burden by myself. I should have know that I have friends who will be there to support me rather than suffering in silence.

All these while I learnt (from Gabrielle) that the band members and the company were the one who had helped in paying my medical expenses. However, due to the contract that we had signed previously with other company for advertisement or performances, before my accident occurred, and thus have to continue with the schedule that had been arranged and that had been the reason why they had not been visiting me all these while.

It had been one and a half year since the last time I woke up and it had been six and a half years since the last time I met my friends. Unfortunately today, I could only met up with Gabrielle who had promised to visit me; while the others are still on tour.

‘Damien, how are you doing?’ she asked as she bent down to hug me.
‘I’m fine, thank you. I said as I hugged her back. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m fine’ she said as she looked at my condition which left her out of words.
‘Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s rude.’ I warned her playfully
‘Damien, I’m sorry.’ She said putting her hand on the back of my hand. ‘I caused this on you.’
I shook my head to tell her it’s not her fault. ’It’s my punishment for trying to kill you.’ I said laughing.
She smiled, not a very sincere smile as she showed an expression of guiltiness.
‘C’mon, I’m fine, okay. I’m still able to write songs anyway.’ I said assuring her.
‘But you won’t be able to dance anymore. ‘She said sadly.
Her words made my heart sank. Somehow, all these while had made me forgotten all about my love in dancing. I was far too glad to be alive and regain my memory that for a moment dancing had been out of my life.
‘It’s okay, at least I still have my vision, and I can still write you see.’ I said showing her my healthy hands.
She smiled and nodded in agreement. ‘You are always the great composer.’ She said tapping my shoulder.
‘By the way, this is for you.’ She said as she handed me a hard covered book, entitled ‘A Man’s Love’
‘You wrote a book?’ I looked at her with sparkles in my eyes, which she replied by raising her eyebrows with what-do-you-think look on her face. ‘Oh my God’ I shouted with glee upon looking at her name printed on the cover. ‘Congratulation baby’ I said reaching out my hand to shake hers’
‘That’s for you.’ She said as she settled herself on the bench beside me. ‘Your love gave me the inspiration to write’ she said after a moment’s pause.
I looked at her, speechless of what to say.
‘What happened in the past, let us forget it shall we? Besides, it wasn’t you. It was Sam wasn’t it?’ she asked with a frown on her eyebrow.
‘Simon’ I corrected.
‘Yes, that guy, anyway, I don’t blame you. Neither is Noah.’ She said ‘In fact Noah was amazed and at the same time jealous for your love to me.’ She said laughing. ‘Can you believe it he was jealous of you.’
I laughed not knowing what to say ‘What is he thinking about’ I said shaking my head. She shrugged ‘Perhaps he thought he didn’t love me enough’ and laughed out loud. ‘Anyway, I hope to see you here’ she said as she turned around to reach something from her bag.
‘What?’ I asked puzzled.
‘This’ she said handed me an envelope; or rather an invitation card to their engagement.
‘You are getting engaged?’ I asked more surprised than ever ‘Why didn’t you told me over the phone’
‘I want to see your reaction and give you this, in person.’ She said laughing ‘Be there for us will you?’ She asked tapping me on the shoulder.
‘Of course I will.’ I said confidently
‘So you know what does that mean’
‘What?’ I asked frowning
‘Get well quickly and get out of here fast. I want to see you in the studio again, Damien. It’s been a long time since we played the piano together.’ She said looking at me with tears swelling in her eyes.
‘I will.’ I assured her and gave her a hug before she left ‘I will definitely get out here as soon as possible. I miss you Gabrielle; and thank you. Thank you for always be the one who appeared in my memory when I need to remember it. Because of you, I was able to find myself again. I love you.’ I said out the words at last, though this time it does not mean for a lover. ‘You will always be in my heart’
As the present and future opens up its gate for me, I decided to let the bitter past made its way out of my memory as it slowly fades away.





Done by Yuliana Kasman
27/ 8/ 2008

ATTENTION EVERYONE

yeap attention....hehe i had just re create my story entitled 'Fade Away and i was so so glad that the rewriting was far better than the first one. huff...i'm really hoping that i could get it published somehow. hehe but first of all people, i really need you guys to read it for me and comment on it. hehe i know it is going to be kind of long...and perhaps some of you may find it what the hell, i dont know, but, i really hope you like it and enjoy it. as you see the big picture of it rather than just a small portion of it. moreover, i guess, perhaps there may be times, when Damien seems so weak and deperate, but well, please understand his condition because he was heart broken and i guess, whoever had felt out of love must have been feeling the same way as well you know, getting yourself drunk, feeeling yourself like a fool and so forth. well, somehow, i did behave something like that when i was heart broken in the past hehe
but but but, more importantly right, actually i want you guys to see the sincere part of Damien's love as he loved Gabrielle despite his disturbed mine. yeah and well, this story was created and came to my mind, not long ago, as i was listening to Kim Dongwan's song. and actually at first i wanted to make a story of a split personality friend, but as i began writing the starting, i decided to make a change of the story into a lover and friendship kind of thing instead. yeah, so anyway, hope you like it.

i really spent a wholeeeeeeeeeee lot of time thinking about the plot okay...so, i hope you spent sometime reading it too. sorry, if it is too long..hehe okay people, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! for ur time, and effort in reading ya... once again hope you like it.
GOOD NIGHT AND GOODBYE. =)

ps: the time now is 4:21 in the morning and i was just glad that i could finish the story. a satisfaction feeling of a tired 'writer'...haha yeah!!!!!!

How far will you go to remember someone

okay, hi everyone this is yuliana, once again, i'm here to announce my new story...yeah!!!!

finally you know, after sometime of having nothing to be inspired or write about, finally, i was able to create something and i was glad that i managed to create a solid 12 chapters of it in total haha thats why i was wondering somehow, whether or not to post it here.

but i think i will try to post it here someday, or somewhere in time, if i was free hehe because now, the holidays are almost over and perhaps, i may not be able to do that. =p but i really want you people to be able to read about it. because hehe this is the first time, i'm writing a disturbing story of something spooky and mysterious in a way haha and in fact, i myself was kinda scared when i re-read on my own. haha it seems like, the disturbing character is so real that hehe it is like getting to get me kind. haha but i was glad i can be disturbing hehe...and i hope you too can enjoy this disturbing story of mine...hehe i will try to post it asap k...and maybe will try to put in more details haha i dont know, still considering, anyway, it is a sweet story in a way, so no need to be so awestruck...hehe and i think you will somehow like Damien, hehe introducing to you, my handsome disturb man huh...his name is Damien. yeah Damien Copeland hehe see cool right...(keren ngga tuh ) and yeah, and well as you read about Damien, i hope you can feel his condition and understand what it feels like to be out of memory, especially when in the past you are disturbed haha. and yeah..and there is always a voice that kept calling on to Damien, even after he had lost his memory and this voice seemed to him so close, and sweet, but who is that voice that is playingin his mind until he wanted to find her so much... yeah so somehow it is something like that. and part of the credit i think i need to give it to Dong wan.

because after listening to his song and understanding his life, as a musician, i was able to write this story and create this character Damien. besides, after reading his lyrics about a man's feeling when he was out of love, i was able to create the emotions of Damien when he was feeling sad. yeah...so Dong Wan wan shui!!!! hahahaha ( long live dong wan ) okay, so hope i could post it fast...and hope you can enjoy it. hehe thank you for your support everyone...hehe

take care and God bless

OLYMPICS FEVER!!!!

yeahhhhhhhhhhh olympics is really making everyone thrilled by the atheletes every sweat, tear and effort...and thats why, this is the reason why they deserved the support from all of us around the world, be it at home or even those in the stadium, in Beijing...and thus, because of this Olympic season, on Sunday, my family and i had purposely, went home early (as possible) so as to catch the match of table tennins between China and Singapore...hehe and because of this, my mom too, hope that she could be counted out to cook dinner for us and on our way home, lol we decided to buy BURGER KING!!!! haha the saviour for the day! and ordered as many meals as possible...hee my cousin and i ordered Whooper double which just made the Olympics fever even more feverish haha and to brighten up the tension, we brought a bottle of Coca Cola...as always the junk's food best friend hehe =) and here are some of the crazy pics we took during dinner on Sunday hehe =) and coming up next after the table tennis match was the badminton match between China and Malaysia, where Lin Dan really made me breathless by his technique of playing the badminton!!!! YOU ARE COOL MAN!!!!

A one day journey with family hehehe

yeah here we are today, on our family day, haha where we went to Melrose Park to see the house that we rented, and we were very glad to know that the facilitation there was awesome...in fact it already made us imagine ourselves doing spa, swimming and playing the tennis if we were to stay there someday haha and here are some of the pictures i took during our journey from home to Melrose Park as well as on our journey from home to my uncle house, to see my grandma...to let her taste our homemade Tiramisu hehe and we really enjoy the trip in the car somehow...lol

yeah this is the picture of me doing some silly pose by tilting my head to one side and stucked out my tongue...lol tyring to be a dog...haha and it turned out not that bad though haha

then the other pic, with my hair covering my eyes, lol somehow the idea is trying to be emo, but as i looked it further, i think it is more to like those people posing for the in trend hairstyle book haha and after editting it and created some effect, it looks not that bad though lol, so i decided to post it here...just for fun...haha

and the other pic, the one with my sis, is the picture we took and posed just for fun too as we cant really do much in the car...haha so basically that is what happened in the car on our journey to the above mentioned places...haha

hahaha and last but not least, that was the picture of all of us, as we tried to post as emos in my uncle's house as we watched the Olympic being aired On Live...lol lol dont know why, now adays we were all into emos...or emotic icon...haha but of course again, it is just for fun....haha and if you noticed, haha i was actually trying not to laugh and that made my face became slightly weird haha I failed as an EMO hahaha

and okay, thats all for today =9

nice sceneries i snap during the BBQ

YEAH SO HERE ARE SOME OF THE GREAT SCENERIES THAT I TOOK DURING THE BBQ
i really love the clouds shape as it stood motionless on the sky, just like the fairy tale clouds, despite of the gentle breeze that was blowing it.

the other one was the picture of an overturned pink flower petal that was floating in the pond nearby the BBQ pit. i dont know why, but when i saw it, i really get engrossed by it that i snapped it down so as to have a picture of it and able to see it again and again...hehe

pictures to be posted later on....currently there is some problem with the system
arghhhhhhhhhhh

after the outing hehe

yeah, this is the photo we took after the meeting up...there was some chotic time before we met up, but fortunately we manage to make it up on time and managed to spend a great deal of time together...somehow i'm glad to know that she like being here and is doing well in her internship here. besides, today, we really had a great talk out there in Sushi Tei. it was really nice to talk with old friend though especially when we can still click despite the distance or time matters...anyway, i was just glad that we were given the opportunity all the way until January to be together. hehe better make full use of it...=)

okay, thats all for today...loll the time now is 11:40 p.m and once again i was listening to Jay Zhow's mellow song called ' Dandellion Promise' a very sweet-sad song. one of my favourite in his On the Run album. somehow, listening to this song, made me realise once again that Jay is a great composer...hehe though his on the run album is not as nice as the others...=)

well anyway, got to go and have some sleep though lol, yesterday slept was...urgh...a disaster...

good nite and take care people.

A Man's Love--- by Kim DongWan

Loving you, I gave you all my heart
When you wanted to lean on me
I gave you my shoulder
Though I’m so close to death in pain
If you say the words you want to see me
I will hide my pain and go to you

A man’s heart
No one will know
Only heaven knows what I cry lifting up my head
To live for one person
To die holding one person
On the day the man is laughing

As we separate, although I have no faults
I tell you that I’m sorry for my many faults
If I go crazy longing for you
For a while I will go far away from you
Praying for your happiness and return

A man’s heart no one knows
Only heaven knows what I cry lifting up my head
To live for one person
To die holding just one person
On the day the man is laughing

If you have one drinks one memory
Being alone forget everything

A man’s love is always sad
The eyes within my heart is shedding tears
When the sun rises it is there
When the moon rises it is gone

A man…
A man’s love
This man is….
A fool