New Company (a new heart)

"To get out of the box"

Perhaps that is one of the feeling and new mindsets that I had received from the camp that took place a few days ago.
For the past few days, or rathers, ever since my friend and I had a chat about the circle of friends that we are having, which, in compared to the previous years, seems to be getting smaller; and it worries us tremendously, I had been thinking 'what is actually wrong with the people around me?" Or maybe, there is nothing wrong with them, neither do I (maybe I do), but more imporatantly, before we moved on to that, maybe I should also think about, what is going on?

And I realised, that maybe...for a while, we have been too preoccupied with our own comfort zone that we are beginning to only look at only what we feel is the 'safe-zone' and we also see what we wanted to see, or feel how we wanted to feel.

We are so used with the surrounding that we have, that at the end of the day, we started to box our mind and our social ability, to what we deem as how we wanted it to be. Thus at the end of the day, we only mix with the same people, and force to think in the same way, we had always think, and as the time goes by, forgotten the beauty of exploration.

The thrill of meeting up with new friends, the ideas of saying our name loud and clear, smiling politely and share some small introduction talk.

However, through the 3 days camp, I was brought forward once again, to self introduce myself, to be out of this little (corrupted box) and to begin with the exploration of new company to enlarge the almost enclosed circle.

I was glad, that through this experience, once again, I was reminded of the beauty of my own native language, Bahasa Indonesia and the way of living of Indonesian citizens which are by nature more amiable, approachable, talkative and crazy eater. (hahaha, not a bad thing...not at all...food is to be enjoyed when we are still alive, savvy?)

But above all these, is the fact that I was reminded once again about the beauty in being together with what we always call in Indonesian Language as "saudara seiman" (Family in Christ). Been sometime since we had a sense of belonging, after 'living' lives like a nomads in between 2 countries...Somehow, I really hope that through this camp, we are all driven to move forward to do something, or in other words, to give back to Him, with what we have, physically and emotionally this time, apart from just financially.

Of course, I also hope that...our humanistic judgement and expectation can also be lowered down this time. Maybe I should ask God to give me some grace in being a little less sensitive, and more ignorant (that occur in a good way) so that the one thing I/ we focus on is to serve Him and nothing else.

I was also comforted with the fact that my chains are gone.
Release...from the burdens that had been engulving me like a fire ball, that resulted in both body and soul burning with anger and disappointment and confussion.

Ironically, it all occurred even before the camp started.
That afternoon, before we set out to Johor and were in the middle of the service, the sermon on that day, touched me so much, knocked me so hard and healed me so perfectly, that for a moment I understood what He wanted to say to me.

For a moment I realised that I was being a little selfish with my thinking that death may be the best way out. Although if compared to the past, this sort of mindsets had been slowly making its way out of the back door; however, I really hope that it will not come back to me again.

For a moment, when I was blinded with anger and sorrows, I began to think that God is being less concern. Or maybe, He is actually there, but I was being self-reliant.
I was embarrassed with the fact that I have to bother Him with little issues, and thus, with pride I walk and with shame I fall, because at the end of the day, I was 'forced' back to return to His call and His help again.

I was made to understand that He cares even to the littlest, lamest issue in my screwed up life. Heh...but I guess at times, I just didnt want to bother Him so much. Guess at the end of the day, I was just tired...and when I began to get worn out. Then, stupidly, aimlessly, I put the blame on myself, on God's way, on God's approval in allowing all these to happen in my life.

I came before Him and brought with me thousands of angry questions, starting with the big word "WHY"

However, fortunately, I was healed...and made well once again; as thousands of tears streamed down my fatigue, lifeless face it automatically washed away the burdens I had in me. Hopefully, the next time things like this occurred, I wont wait till it all crumble down before I seek for the His help.

Haiz...pride and egoism.
Gotta get rid off you before you get rid of me.

Anyway, thanks for the camp...time to Walk His Path the way I should

Gotta go,
Take care now, Bye bye then =)

Love,
Me =)