because it is not....though i know that life has to move on, but still to be far away from those i love at this particullar moment, its just unpleasant. i tink i need some time to really adjust to this life and death situation. or i think i should let out the courage to talk and cry it all out? but i dont know...and i dont want to talk about it anymore...i dont want to talk about all the things that had happened so fast...and so saddening. but i think i should cry all out...huff...i think i should have talk to God about it.
but God, i'm sorry, for the time being i wasnt able to talk to U. i wasnt able to express how i feel to U, even though i know You are sad too about what happen. but i dont know. i was afraid. i was so so scared. i am so scared of doubting You, i am so scared of losing my faith. but most of all, i am so scared of losing myself. i dont know what is in me right now. there's something in me that sounds so heavy, so full of burden. until now, i still believe that it will over soon, but it is just not over. i mean, in me. and until then i wish it is all just a dream. i dont know that the after effect would be stronger.
i wondered, did i really cried out loud that day, when i see the whole process with wide eyes? the tears it just rolled naturally and so quickly, i cant catch up. i wish i could turn back time. i wish i could turn back all the time lost and all the time found. i wish i could talk to God. i wish i could spend a lone time with God, alone. just You and I. and i wish i could fall down on His mighty palm only, where all tears will be wiped and all troubles will be gone. where all burdened will be swipped away from me. i wish....all i could wish for... but most of all i wish....i could hear your voice and hear Your voice........
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