Horrible horrible

I feel so tired after exploding a big blow to my sis...
It is Christmas Eve...and I am not the slightest happy...
Nope, not until the whole computer thing crashed and turned my whole mood upside down!
Damn laptop!
I dont know why the hell is it always making trouble at times when I need to do something important!
And it always crash at the elevnth hour.

The last time it crashed, was a few days before my first draft submission.
In the middle of the night, with no fucking human being around to help me solve the problem.
In fact, what the hell did I get? huh? I got a whole lot of nagging...
and half of my already written words gone!

This time it crashed even worst than before, and it is just the time when I am about to leave the country and I have to have this damn thing with me for the submission due the beginning of the year...The whole thing just seemed to vanish in front of my damn face and I just got to wait and patiently wait for it to re install itself, only to find that it is back to zero again.

And with the public holiday coming up and with weekend coming, and with my flight waiting for me for the weekend get away for the next one week in Indo, again, I was left to wait...till the school reopen then I can get this damn thing fix!

Well, not to say that there's nothing left for me to smile about...at least, I was glad that I managed to get in contact with the It help desk who broke the bad news, but revive it back with a little better news when they managed to give me the password for the usename called admin. At least that precious few words managed to unlock the dead comp and allow me to at least get into it.

However, the bad thing is, I have to get back to school to the help desk asap the morning when school starts and seek some help to get back my user id and actual password. As well as maybe the rest of all the other things I have lost, and unfortunately unable to fit in the back up hard drive.

I got so pissed each time my laptop crached. I dont know why, though I dont personally admit that I love my laptop as much. But it just hurts me man...maybe is the fact that is it mine. Or maybe is the fact that it contains my hard work all these while. All the sleepless nights I spent, thinking and writing away. and it hurts. It hurt me each time I have to learn the fact that perhaps it may be gone...

Though some people my just tell me, 'c'mon man, you are the writer, you can just re-write that' but no...I cant. I dont think I can. because, the feeling is just different. The feeling of re-writing and writing for the first time is just different, because it is just not as right. It is just not as acute as the first time you write them.

The thrill and the actual process of putting your whole mind and soul into each creation word by word, it's different. and for that particular reason I'm sad. This not the first time, nor is it the second. This is the I dont know how many times...but I just wish that I dont need to feel this pain again.
I hate it. I really hate it.

Moreover, to think that I have to face this kind of shit in the middle of Christmas Eve, cursing, shouting, speaking in an angered tone. I hate it.
I really hate it!

For the past few weeks, and months, I have been in deep shit.
A real DEEP BLOODY SHIT!!!

But just as I thought I would not be able to celebrate the festive season beautifully, I was given a ray of hope that I can make it. But again, another thing came up and it spoils the whole mood.
It spoils the whole sensation of Christmas/ or what Christmas is all about.

I really hate it.

How I wish that I could smile right now...
but what is there left to make me smile?
Yeah I got back my damn lap top thing, but so what? it is not yet finish...
and so what, my whole mood has just gone down the drain...

Horrible horrible
This is the first time I found myself not preparing happily for Christmas.
Horrible!!!
I feel so TERRIBLE!

I just feel so damn terrible.